Winding Roads Broken by Lies
by SMS13
Summary: Twisting roads that lead to nowhere, end up leading to the heart.
1. The Return

Author's Notes: Okay guys, here I am for my second run on an attempt at a multi part fic. I hope you like this so far. I never know what to say on the first author's notes because yeah, they are the first ones. These do have spoilers, but they are pretty general, and they are only going to be in the first few chapters (like 1-3) then I'm gonna go on my merry little way without them . . . And the disclaimer because I hate these things: I do not own any of these characters, in ANY of my works. So leave me alone. I don't exactly know where I"m headed with this fic, but I'm on Carby deficiency so let that be your clue right now. Just read it and tell me what you think of it so far, and what you might want to see happen. Thanks so much. Have fun. Thanks Kat for reading and commenting. Gotta love instant messenger . . . By the way, my AIM SN is Love Among Ruin if anyone wants to talk to me there...:-)   
  
~*~  
  
He stepped into the newly constructed waiting and admit area. He was astonished. The glass, the doors, the security. Nothing the way it had been. He wondered silently if everything had changed, even the people. He knew the ER was a bit different, only because Romano had been killed. That's the reason he was back. Kerry offered him the Chief of Emergency Medicine Position. He was willing to accept it. He walked in, flashing his ID at the security guard, and the door opened in front of him. He walked toward the desk, getting an acknowledging nod from Frank. He had been in yesterday. Today was his first official day back. He had seen Susan, Chen, and Pratt. Some of the nurses. But no Abby. Maybe it was for the better. He looked at his watch. Kem would be coming in any minute for her OB appointment. He was going to be a father. Just the thought of it made him smile. He was going to be someone's dad. He walked toward the lounge, responding to the few greetings he got. He swung the door open, entering an empty room. He walked over to his locker, throwing his coat and bag inside. He looked at the pictures he had on his locker. Some from the coast, from a vacation a few years ago, pictures of the staff, and him and Abby. He took the picture down and ripped it in two. He threw it away, trying not to remember the last time they had spoken. He grabbed his lab coat and stethoscope, and headed out the door. He saw Kem right away, at the admit desk, probably asking for him. He waved to her and she ran over to him. "Hey, you found it okay."  
  
He was worried she would get lost or something. She hadn't been in the states, much less Chicago. He even got lost sometimes.   
  
"Yes, I did. The city is gorgeous."   
  
Chicago really was a beautiful city with the lakefront, and the sights.   
  
"Yeah, I'll show you around when I get a chance, okay?"  
  
He watched her nod her head, and he kissed her on the forehead. He grabbed her hand, and they started toward the stairs. He didn't know what drew him to this woman. She was gorgeous, smart, headstrong, determined. She knew what she wanted out of life and she was working on getting it. "Fine" was never good enough for her. It had to be perfect. The complete opposite of everyone else he knew. She had been raised in Africa, middle class family. And somehow she had managed to pull herself up through medical school, and she was respected throughout Africa for her work on the HIV/AIDS virus. She hadn't had an easy life, but she managed to get by. It never controlled her. She looked on the bright side. She was a pessimist.   
  
He led her to the admit desk at OB, and Dr. Cobourn was setting up for them in exam five.   
  
"Do you want me to stay?"   
  
He watched her play around with the idea for a while, and then she finally answered.  
  
"Not for the exam, but you can come for the ultrasound."   
  
He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and handed her off to Dr. Cobourn. He motioned to her that he was going to get a cup of coffee, and she acknowledged him. He walked toward the room, hoping to get a jolt before dealing with actual up to date medicine during his shift today. 18 hours straight on his first day. It was exciting. When he entered it, he saw a small dark blonde woman sitting at the desk. She was hunched over some books and papers, her hair up in a messy bun. She was in blue scrubs with the short jacket. She was most definitely a med student.   
  
He walked around her, hoping not to disturb her. He poured himself a cup of coffee and headed back toward the exam room. He planted himself in the chair outside the door, and sipped his coffee slowly. A few minutes later, he heard his name being called.   
  
"Carter?"   
  
He looked up, seeing Luka towering over him.   
  
"Hey, yourself. How do you feel?"  
  
He hadn't seen Luka yet, and it was nice to see he looked better than the last time he saw him.  
  
"Better. Thank you for everthing. Back?"  
  
He nodded his head in response, a smile breaking through. Luka laughed at him.   
  
"How long?"  
  
He took another sip of coffee before answering him.  
  
"I don't know. Kerry gave me Romano's position."  
  
Luka put out his hand and he shook it.  
  
"Congratulations."   
  
It probably couldn't' have come at a better time, since they were probably ready to fire him anyway.  
  
"Thanks."   
  
A moment of awkward silence broke between them.   
  
"Have you seen Abby?"  
  
He looked at Luka, he didn't know if he was asking about her, as a relationship between them type question, or has he seen her, because he's looking for her about a patient type question.   
  
"What do you mean?"   
  
He watched Luka pull on his stethoscope.   
  
"Abby. She's on OB rotation. Is she here?"   
  
Wait, she stopped working in the ER and started working in OB? Why? She was better downstairs.   
  
"No. I haven't seen her."   
  
He watched Luka give him a slight smile.   
  
"She's okay."   
  
He nodded his head. He knew she would be okay. She would always be okay. The awkward silence strained between them again. He looked at Luka, a bit closer now. His color was back to its norm, yet he was still a bit jaundice. But Malaria would do that to a person. He seemed a bit thinner too, but he looked genuinely okay. He saw someone grab Luka's stethoscope, but he couldn't see behind him who it was. He turned around and she walked up toward him. Luka's arms swung around her, and she nestled a quick kiss on her tip toes. She hadn't noticed him yet. But he had definitely noticed her. He tried to back away from the two, listening to their short conversation. She finally looked up at him, and they met gazes.   
  
"Hey."  
  
She didn't seem mad or angry. She seemed, happy???  
  
"Hi."  
  
He sounded like a moron. He didn't know what to say or how to act. He knew it would happen, they would eventually have to talk, but he didn't expect them to do it on the OB floor. With Kem behind the wall behind them.   
  
He looked at her, she was the one he had seen in the lounge. She was wearing a lab coat. She was back in medical school?   
  
"You're back in med school?"   
  
She smiled and looked up at Luka for a second. Then she looked back at him.   
  
"Yeah. It was about time I stopped waiting."   
  
That was most definitely headed toward him. He had told her not to wait for him. She knew he understood what she meant after she said that. He nodded his head. What was he supposed to do? He was the one who told her not to wait. The door behind him swung open and he was thankful for the break.  
  
"Abby, do you think I could a hand in here?"  
  
He looked at Abby, and she gave Luka a quick hand squeeze and a kiss and headed into the room. He had forgotten, for a split second, that Kem was in the room with Abby. And was going to go in for the ultrasound a few minutes later. He knew it would be a strange situation. The door flew open behind him, and Dr. Cobourn motioned him in. Abby stood by Kem's bedside, the ultrasound set up, guiding it over her stomach, searching for the heartbeat. He smiled at Kem, and she reached out her hand for him. He went over to her, and held it. Smiling from ear to ear. He looked up at her only once. But he knew she suddenly seemed hurt. She finished the ultrasound professionally, not faltering once. She signed the chart along with Dr. Cobourn, and headed out. He headed out too, letting Kem change in peace.   
  
"Abby, wait."  
  
She turned around, a bit of a dejected look on her face.   
  
"Two weeks. That all I'm worth. Two damn weeks."  
  
She turned back around and left him standing there. He hadn't meant for it to happen the way it did. Kem was there, and he was just so out of it. She was so amazing, she managed to pull him out of his whole mood, and that night, it was like magic. He regretted it in the morning. He just needed to be with someone. The emptiness that had been following him day in and day out was murdering him slowly. And Kem chased that all away for a while. And obviously Abby had moved on. So why shouldn't he? 


	2. Great Changes

Author's Notes: Okay. So I'm sticking with Carter's perspective on this only because I always do Abby, and I think I need a change. I'm making him sort of too nice for a while, and then, well we'll see where everything goes. I'm not even that sure where this is going to go. I have an idea. But it's way too general, so I'm hoping to narrow it down slowly but surely. But while I do that, please continue to review!! It really does help me decide where the story along with the characters are going... So random questions of the chapter:: Do you like the way Abby is being portrayed? What about Kem and Carter? That's about all I have for you today. I promise either to update tonight again, or tomorrow. I'm sticking with trying to get at least one update up a day...   
  
He walked into the exam room, Mrs. Johnson was already dilated 5 centimeters, and she was getting ready to deliver. He had called OB for the third time that day, and Dr. Cobourn was on her way. Or at least she had said that. Two hours ago. He watched the anesthesiologist administer the epidural, and he saw the instant relief on the woman's face. Now he only hoped OB would get down here before he had a labour on his hands. He checked the woman's vitals, writing them down on the chart. He felt the rush of air as the door swung open, and he looked up.   
  
"Hi, I'm Abby Lockhart, I'm going to be your doctor for delivery."   
  
He looked back down at his chart. She seemed like the complete opposite of the woman he had dated only a few weeks before. But it really had been months. Had he changed that much too?   
  
  
  
He saw Abby giving the exam, and creating small talk with the woman, helping her through the contractions. He heard something about her calling the woman's husband, and telling him to get down here ASAP. He also heard something about going up to OB shortly. He watched her smile at the woman, and that instant bond was formed. He watched it happen. She walked near him, motioning him outside the door.   
  
"She's only 5 centimeters in over 10 hours. Keep her down here until she reaches at least 9. We'll take her then."   
  
He nodded his head in response to her. What was he supposed to say? She was in complete control. She wasn't the nurse anymore, she was the doctor. She knew what she was doing, hell, she was probably better than any of the med students up to date.   
  
He saw her begin to turn around, and he just couldn't control himself.   
  
"I'm sorry."   
  
She just continued to walk off, meeting Luka at the end of the hallway. They stole another quick kiss before she headed off towards the stairs, back to OB. He wasn't jealous of them. He had no reason to be. They had given it a chance, and realized it wouldn't work out. He shook the thought out of his mind when he saw Kem walking toward him.   
  
"You're still here?"   
  
She reached him and kissed him on the cheek. He smiled. She was outstanding.   
  
"Yes. I decided to walk around and see how a United States Hospital functioned."   
  
He wanted to laugh. County wasn't exactly the best place to exhibit the US's fine hospital care.   
  
"Watcha think so far?"   
  
He watched her scrunch her nose together a bit, this cute little face she did from time to time.   
  
"Your medical students are extremely rude."   
  
He nodded his head. They got worse every year. And he had thought Pratt to be horrible. Pratt was actually considered nice lately.   
  
"You heading home? Want me to call you a cab?"  
  
He watched her run her hand through her hair, shaking her head.   
  
"I already had the desk clerk call one for me."   
  
He heard his name being called, and he knew he needed to get in there. It sounded urgent.   
  
"I need to get back, I'll see you at home."   
  
He kissed her again on the cheek and ran off toward Mrs. Johnson's room. As soon as he walked in, he saw that the baby didn't have a heart rate. And Mrs. Johnson had just passed out, but was breathing. He screamed something about 'get OB down here STAT' and grabbed the ultrasound from the med student, who looked scared enough to pass out.   
  
A few second later he saw Abby come flying through the door.   
  
"What the hell happened?"  
  
He glanced quickly at her before going back to the monitor. What? Was she blaming this on him?   
  
"We lost the baby's heart rate."   
  
She looked at the monitor.   
  
"And you're about to loose mom's too."   
  
He looked at the monitor and realized her heart rate was slowly dropping. She wasn't getting enough oxygen.   
  
"Don't just stand around, tube her!"   
  
He shot her a look, that probably could have broken glass. Who did she think she was? She was only a med student, she needed to remember that. She was screaming orders at Haleh about getting Cobourn down here now, along with a baby warmer.   
  
"What the hell do you think your doing?"   
  
She rolled her eyes, and continued giving her orders.   
  
"A C-section? Are you crazy?"   
  
She just continued working, he couldn't exactly do anything. He was bagging the mother, the vent hadn't come down yet. He needed to keep the oxygen going or else she would be brain dead.   
  
"Abby! Do you have any clue what your doing?"   
  
She looked up at him, scorn written all over her face.   
  
"Yes, I do. Sterile gloves."   
  
He watched her drape the surgical sheet over the woman's stomach.   
  
"Give the bagging to one of the nurses, get over here."   
  
He responded quickly, not even realizing why or what he was doing. He was about to allow a fourth-year medical student to perform a C-section that could probably result in either life or death. His ass was on the line for this. He watched her make the incision.   
  
"Retractors."   
  
He put them in, and began to push the protective walls of the stomach away, exposing the baby. He watched her quickly scoop in, gently pulling the baby out. She handed it, a little boy actually, to him.   
  
"Umbilical clamp."  
  
He saw it magically appear in her hand and she quickly tied it off. He felt the baby being taken away by him.   
  
"Take care of the mother."   
  
He refocused his attention on the mother. She was doing better. Her heart rate was up, along with her pulse ox. They needed to get her some blood though. He requested the orders, and saw one of the nurses go running off for it. He walked over to Abby, who was working on bagging the baby boy.   
  
"One minute APGAR?"  
  
She looked up at the monitor she had just hooked him up to.   
  
"Seven."   
  
Seven wasn't bad. He was breathing on his own, she was only bagging him to get enough air to his lungs for the lack of it while in womb.   
  
"How's mom?"   
  
He glanced at the monitors, but everything seemed okay.   
  
"She's okay."   
  
He saw her nod her head. The blood was handed to him and he quickly placed it up. First unit was going in. Doctor Cobourn entered the room, looking at him first, then at Abby.   
  
"APGAR?"   
  
She looked at her watch.   
  
"3 minutes, 10."   
  
A sigh of relief escaped from Cobourn.   
  
"Okay let's get both of them up, good job Abby."   
  
He watched her give a small smile to the newly born baby boy and he was already squeezing her finger. She looked so happy.   
  
The two were taken from the room, and he started to fill out the chart. He finished his section, and he handed it to Abby, who skimmed them, and signed off.   
  
"Thanks."   
  
She looked at him.   
  
"You're welcome."   
  
He watched her walk out of the room. She held her head high, and stopped for a little chit chat with Susan for a second. He couldn't get over how different she seemed. How different she actually was. It was so strange. She seemed so together, so alive, and he felt like he was falling apart, but he had no reason to be. He had Kem, who was beautiful, intelligent, sweet. And he was going to have a son. He had everything that anyone could possibly want. Yet something felt like it was missing. He disregarded this and headed back to the main desk. 


	3. Apologizes and Hopes

Author's Notes: Oh yeah. Double Update. I'm good. LOL Sorry I'm just so excited I got two chapters in today!! Yippie!!! Just please review!! That's all I ask of you!! Thank you soo much!!!   
  
He signed off on his last chart, the shift that would never end finally over. He hadn't seen so many trauma's in months. And he had thought Africa to be exciting. Africa was exhilarating. Chicago was just hell. He headed toward the lounge, ready to grab his coat, and head home to a nice warm bed. He pushed the door open, and walked in on Luka, working on some charts, with Abby sleeping next to him, his arm around her, playing with the tips of her hair. He received a warm smile from him, but he couldn't return one. He was way too tired.   
  
"Long day?"   
  
He shook his head, walking toward his locker, trying not to look over at the scene.   
  
"How long has she been on?"   
  
He sort of played with, and eventually stressed the she. He was referring to Abby, since no one else was in the room, but it was strange.   
  
"Long enough. She worked 36 hours straight."   
  
He ran his hands through his hair, then pulled off his lab coat.   
  
"The place has changed."   
  
He heard a small laugh escape from Luka.   
  
"Yeah. Everything's changed."   
  
He hung his coat up, it seemed so strange to be wearing it after all that time in the Congo. He looked at Luka for a second.   
  
"How long have you two, uhh...?"   
  
He couldn't finish his sentences. This was absurd. He wasn't in love with her. He was with Kem. Kem was everything Abby would never be.   
  
"A few weeks."  
  
He nodded his head. What else was there to say?   
  
"We just decided to give it another go . . . We weren't all that bad the first time . . . "   
  
No. They weren't. They just never talked. He didn't understand her. She just ended up running to him every time something happened.   
  
"She deserves someone . . . "   
  
Luka looked up at him. They met gazes.   
  
"Better? Than you?"  
  
He looked at Luka questioningly.   
  
"No. I didn't mean it that way."   
  
He watched Luka look at Abby for a second, giving her a kiss on top of her head.   
  
"You lost the best thing that could have ever happened to you."   
  
He squinted his eyes. They were talking in whispers, trying not to wake her.   
  
"No . . . We . . . we just didn't work out . . . I don't know . . . I never lost her . . . I'm happier than I have been in a long time. I have Kem. I'm going to be a father . . . "   
  
He saw her petite figure shift and was lying in Luka's lap, her eyes fixed on Luka's. She was probably oblivious to the fact that he was even in there. She was looking up at him, a smile forming on her lips.   
  
"What?"   
  
He heard Luka mumble it, quietly, like a game.   
  
He couldn't move. He just kept on watching. He was fixated to the floor. Her hand intertwined with his, the charts completed, and piled on the floor.   
  
"I love you."   
  
He watched Luka smile, replaying the statement back to her. Then he shifted his gaze onto him. He was still standing there. A look of disbelief etched upon his face. He had been with her for longer, known her for ages, tried and pushed, proposed, and nothing. And now, she was with Luka, and she was a completely different person, open with her feelings. He had never gotten anything from her more than a simple thank you. She must have realized someone was in there. She began to sit up, and she glanced at him.   
  
"Hey."  
  
She said it somewhat happily, relaxed.   
  
"Hey."   
  
One word answers were all he could probably reply with for the moment.   
  
"Listen, I'm sorry for the way I acted earlier. But the mother and son would have died."   
  
He nodded his head, as if telling her to disregard it.   
  
"How are they?"   
  
She was running her hand through her hair at the moment.   
  
"They are both healthy, happy, and thankful."   
  
Well she did disregard orders, push him into a corner, and performed an unauthorized procedure downstairs in the ER, no less.   
  
"So it all worked out?"   
  
She nodded her head, smiling.  
  
"What about Cobourn? Did she give you a hard time?"  
  
She laughed a little.   
  
"Actually. No. She just told me to find a doctor that I hadn't slept with to run the procedure."   
  
He looked at her, giving her this weird look. She just shrugged him off and collapsed back against Luka, he couldn't believe the way she was acting. Like she didn't care. Like she was completely oblivious to the fact that she was opening scars, and letting them bleed again. Yes, he was over her. No, he didn't still love her. But why was this so confusing. He wanted to see her happy. He had told her not to wait for him, that she was stronger on her own, that she never needed him. Well some of that must have been true, because she seems to finally be content with everything. Her life, her job, just everything. And here he was, heading in the same path. He had been happy in the Congo. But right now, it was a dull memory. Maybe it was because he didn't have to see her. Or because she wouldn't be able to hurt him again. Whatever it was, it was over. He had felt more pain with her, than without her. But now the pain was equal, maybe even more.   
  
"I need to get going. I'll see you tomorrow."   
  
He started to turn around, but stopped when he heard her call his name. She had gotten up, heading over to him, standing only a few inches away.   
  
"I'm sorry for the way everything worked out between us, and how it ended . . . I just, I hope you're happy with her. You deserve someone who deserves you."   
  
He nodded his head, he couldn't muster a smile, or a thank you, or anything. He just watched her go back to Luka, and attempt to pull him off the couch. A vague request that she wanted to go home. He walked out the door, feeling uncomfortable. He remembered so many stolen kisses, and quick hugs in that same room. He remembered telling her it would all be okay in there. He remembered calming her down, dealing with Erik. It was like an attack. And then her telling him, that she hoped that he was happy. She said it like she truly meant it. She wanted to see him with someone who loved him the same way he would her. Why couldn't they have just had a violent break-up where they both hated each other? Those seemed easier to get over than these lost and broken ones that seemed to lead no where, spiraling through hoops and dips. Leading no where and somewhere at the same time. 


	4. Thoughts over Friendship

Author's Notes: Okay the usual paragraph long author notes.. Hehehe.. First lemme do thank-you's since I haven't done them yet and I think I need to:: Jane, for those impromptu commentaries and all the support in the world thanks!!! Susan, my new editor LOL How much do I have to pay?? Thanks, and when I am famous I get to go to the starting price of $ 67.00 and work my way up? You'll be there forever with my grammar and I"ll be broke!! LOL Thanks again! Kat, cause ya, your reviews are just always interesting... I still love the one you did a few weeks back with the sex and death.. that was great.. LOL And then my reviewers::: Canard, Lisa, Sk8terelle, ER-Carby-Luva, Luby-Connor-Lizzie, Nora-Imc, and Carbylobsterandavrilfan. Thank you guys so much for reviewing... I love the imput and I'm just working on fixing the story up a bit to your liking... And believe me.. LOL I'm a Carby at heart.. Just lately Carter has been pissing me off. Stupid Kem. But anyways.. LOL I hope you like this chapter, it's sorta short, but it sorta starts the plot moving!! And when you're done reading, please please please review!!! Thanks tons!!  
  
~*~  
  
He signed off on his latest set of labs, and gave Jerry the nod that he was going to take a break. He hadn't sat down all morning and he felt as if his feet were going to fall off. He walked into the lounge and grabbed his coat. The weather was sunny, but a strong wind from the shore made everything ten degrees colder. He walked to the coffee shop across the street, and got himself some real coffee, not that mud that they had at the hospital. He started to walk, thinking about nothing in particular. He didn't know where he was headed, but he kept on walking. He passed Washington, and realized he was headed to their bench. Their bench, as in the place he and Abby would always either talk, or have coffee, or take a break. It was probably just habit. He walked down the stairs from the street, watching the boat pass down the river. He walked the half block or so, and even from that point, he could see someone was sitting down, alone, probably drowned in thoughts. He walked closer anyway, he wasn't planning on stopping or sitting, it just seemed like something to do, instead of hanging out at the hospital for so long. He saw it was her. She was playing with a cup of coffee, probably almost empty, starring out into space. He wanted to walk right behind her, not even saying a word, but his body thought differently. He headed over to the bench, and sat down next to her.   
  
He looked at her, the same person he had left only a few months before. Nothing had physically changed about her, ignoring the dark bags under her eyes. Her eyes seemed red, like as if she had been... crying..? He leaned over a bit, trying to get her gaze. She seemed so out of it, like she didn't notice him. She most likely didn't. After a few seconds, she snapped out of, instinctively wiping at her eyes, letting her hair down to cover her face. She seemed so together lately, so happy. And now he realized that it might be a cover, a lie. But who ever knew the truth with Abby?   
  
"Hey.."   
  
He looked at her, she quickly sniffled.   
  
"Hi."   
  
He knew she had been crying. The sound of her voice said it all, it was unsteady and hesitant.   
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
He watched her nod her head, running her hand through her hair.   
  
"Yeah. Something just got into my eye."   
  
She was a bad liar. She always had been.   
  
"Abby.."  
  
He met gazes with her.   
  
"I'm fine, Carter. But it's not like you should care anyway."   
  
She sounded hurt and angry. Passing transgressions, he guessed. He had Kem hanging around yesterday, updating her on the latest procedures and test for the HIV/Aids situation in America.   
  
"I'm sorry.. I shouldn't have had her here yesterday."   
  
He watched her begin to shake her head.   
  
"No. I"m happy for you. She seems like a wonderful person."   
  
He saw that she was talking out into nothingness, so nonchalant in her voice. She seemed to be saying the words to be getting them out. But he hoped, no he knew she thought differently.   
  
"I just.. I just don't want to loose our friendship.."   
  
He heard a sigh escape from her.   
  
"We can never just be friends. We both know that."   
  
It might be a little awkward at first, but it could happen. He had Kem. He had no reason to want anyone, or anything else. She was everything he should have, and wanted. She was put together, she didn't have a crazy family, or moods. She talked and listened, she was, and always would be there. And Abby was just, so complicated. So everywhere and everything. He wanted to love her and hate her at the same time. But if he had to choose between Kem and Abby, he didn't know if he would be able to do it. But then again, that decision was already made for him. She was with Luka, and she seemed primarily happy. Or she was just leaning on him for support, and she was really falling apart. But no one would ever know. She hid everything well.   
  
"We can try."   
  
He saw her return to her usual pout, something he hadn't seen lately.   
  
"We'll never have what we had."  
  
He knew she was right, but he wanted to deny it for as long as possible.   
  
"No one ever said friendship was easy..."  
  
He saw her smirk a little.   
  
"No. No one said a friendship with me was easy."  
  
He watched her get up and start heading towards the stairs, back to the hospital. He got up, a few seconds after she had left, and started to jog after her. He grabbed her shoulder and stopped her.   
  
"Just because... just because we didn't work out, doesn't mean that I don't care and worry about you.."   
  
She tilted her head to the side, rolling her eyes.   
  
"I'm here for you if you ever need me."   
  
He saw her look out at the river, then back at him.   
  
"Don't worry about me. I took up enough of your precious time already."   
  
Her comments hurt. They were scathing. He let her go, and she walked away, not turning around.   
  
He knew he made the right choice when he chose Kem. Abby would always be Abby, she would never change, as much as he wanted to believe. But he still had this deep inclination to go running after her, to stop her, to make her talk. But he knew that wasn't part of the deal anymore. He couldn't force her to do anything she didn't want to. Like AA meetings, or talking. And he knew Luka always meant well, but he couldn't get her to do any of it.  
  
He threw his coffee into the trash bin and headed back to the hospital as well. He needed to talk to her. To make her understand he didn't hate her, or blame her. He just needed someone who would need him. Who would love him. She would always be special to him, more than he would admit. But Kem was who he wanted to be with. Kem loved him. Abby didn't. 


	5. Old Memories

Author's Notes: It's Thanksgiving. I hate holidays. I needed to update so here you go. And I will have another one up after turkey dinner tonight if I first dont' pass out. Till later then, and please dont' forget to hit that little review button on the bottom, thanks so much!!!   
  
His shift over, he signed out all his patients to Susan, and headed to look for Abby. She was off the same time he was, but she still had about three patients waiting for an admit. She had to hang around. He swung around the corner, looking into her patient's rooms, hoping she would be in one of them, but she wasn't. He checked the drug lock up, and then headed to the suture room. He saw the lights were off, yet still decided to check inside. He opened the door, and sure enough, saw her petite figure lying on a gurney, probably tired out from the last two shifts she had to pull off. He saw her head shift toward the door, and he knew she was awake. He walked in closer, shutting the door behind him.   
  
"We need to talk."   
  
She shifted over to the other side, avoiding his gaze.   
  
"There's nothing left to talk about."   
  
He sat down on the edge of her bed.   
  
"No. There's everything to talk about."   
  
He could picture her rolling her eyes at that moment.   
  
"You're happy with Kem, and she's pregnant with your kid. I'm an old memory that's going to fade away. End of story."   
  
No. She isn't just an old memory. He could never forget her, even if he tried.   
  
"And you're with Luka. I can say the same thing about you."   
  
He felt her shift onto her back, and he looked at her.  
  
"Only I'd love to see Luka giving birth to my child."   
  
He laughed with her, the first normal, calm moment they've had since he returned. Then the air grew heavy again between them.   
  
"It's not mine."   
  
He looked away, searching for something to concentrate on.   
  
"What?"   
  
He started biting on his bottom lip.   
  
"The baby. Kem's. It's not mine."   
  
He swear he could have heard her stop breathing.   
  
"Why?"  
  
He loved these one syllable questions.   
  
"We're good together."   
  
At that point, he was starring into the light, watching Abby's shadow on the floor. She had begun to sit up. He felt her hand on his cheek, gently pulling his head to face hers. She was only a few millimeters apart, a gentle whisper from her.   
  
"And we were great together."   
  
He could have sworn he felt her graze his lips. His heart had stopped beating, and then went into overdrive. He wasn't smiling, he was just confused. She had gotten up in the time he had registered what was happening. He reached out for her hand. She quickly snatched it away from his grasp.   
  
"Abby..."  
  
He saw her heading toward the door.   
  
"I'm sorry. That shouldn't have happened."  
  
He got up, running after her, slamming the door shut in front of her. He had her pinned between him and the door.   
  
"Just tell me you don't love me."   
  
He didn't know why he requested that. It just might help him forget her, to move on.   
  
He saw her match gazes with him.   
  
"I don't love you . . . "  
  
She was lying. He could tell it from the way her body was shaking, the way she instantly moved her gaze away from him, the tear that begun to fall. She was lying. He let the door go, and watched her walk out. She wasn't running, she was keeping calm. He saw her heading toward Luka, but she simply walked right past him.   
  
He took out his cell, and pressed one on his keypad. He brought it up to his ear, and the phone rung, once, twice. He finally heard her voice answer with a simple 'hello?'.  
  
"Kem, it's me. I'm gonna be a little late tonight. I have to go check up on a friend."   
  
He heard her reply with an 'okay' and an 'I love you' as he quickly shut his phone and dropped it into his pocket. He got his coat out of the lounge, and headed in the same direction she had only a few minutes ago. 


	6. Following Truths

Author's Notes: Okay so the story gets interesting right around here. And I know it seems sorta grim right now,but believe me, it will get better. Just give me time. So please hang around, I do read all the reviews and take into consideration what you guys are saying, and just dont' worry. It will all work out in the end.... SO please stick with me, and just review, because I build the story on the reviews. Thanks guy!!! Love ya!!!   
  
He reached her apartment, the same steps he had gone up day after day. It seemed like a vague memory now. Everything was the way it was supposed to be. The El ran by every fifteen minutes. The neighborhood kids playing some game on the sidewalk, even at this hour of the evening, the same rattling gate that opened and squeaked. It had been as if he never left. Yet he was changed. Everything was changed. This wasn't the same person he was going to see. He wasn't the same person that was going up there to see her. He had changed, yet he didn't know if it had been for the better or the worse. The old Carter would have done anything for her. He would have climbed the highest mountain and swum the deepest sea for her. But now, he didn't know if he would do the same. She hurt him. But not having her with him hurt him even more. It was almost like a paradox, a question without an answer. Why was he drawn to her? Why would he give up his own life for her?   
  
He was chasing her, probably would be headed toward a dead end. And he would go home to Kem, and he would have security, stability, love. And the next morning, he would get up and do it all again. Kem was like his shield, thankful for her as he was. He didn't know if letting her go would be as easy as he planned. Hell, he never planned it at all. Back in Africa, everything had been crystal clear. They would get back to America, have a small, simple wedding. They would raise their children together, the whole white picket fence scenario. Yet he had also pictured Abby as more depressed and unhappy than ever. And then it would easy to choose. He never imagined coming back to find her, motivated, happy, energetic. It was a complete three-sixty. It drew him to her even more. He should be drawn to her at all. All she was was pain and misery, hurt and despair.   
  
He had Kem. Why was he searching for more? She was always there. She would be there, through thick or thin. She had told him as much. And Abby was so uncertain. Would she leave him? Would she be there? Would she decide that he wasn't the one for her, and leave him? And then what? Would he be alone? He had such a great thing right now, was he willing to throw it all away?  
  
He answered his own questions as he started to turn the first door to get into the building.   
  
He headed up the stairs, almost in a trance, avoiding the weak steps, and the ones that creaked loud enough to wake the dead. He let go of the handlebar where it had splints sticking out, the careless work of the owner, and he finally reached her door. They had finally decided to replace the lightbulb in the hallway.  
  
He knocked quietly on her door, yet it still echoed through the empty space. He instinctively reached into his pocket to get her key, and then he remembered, he had given it back. She had asked for it back. He reached for the knob, for some weird chance it might actually be open. But he knew it probably wouldn't since she had this obsession about locking her doors. Ever since the attack.   
  
He turned the knob. It was open. He walked into the apartment. The same furniture, the same designs, the same places. Nothing had been moved. He walked in hesitantly, not knowing how she would react. If she would react at all. He followed the only source of light in her apartment to the kitchen. She sat with her back to him, hunched over the table, piles of books in front of her.   
  
"Luka, what are warning signs of pre-op infection? I'm missing something for Zlechy's presentation."   
  
She didn't know it was him. She probably wouldn't unless he decided to say something.   
  
"Fever . . . Rash . . . Dehydration . . . Unusual urine output . . . Jaundice color . . . "   
  
She didn't turn around. He would hear her heavy breathing, but she didn't turn around. He hoped she wouldn't because she would see the hurt in his eyes. Standing here, in the same apartment he had only a few months ago. Telling her it would be okay, that he would help her. And now she was okay, and she was without him.   
  
"Carter . . . "   
  
His name gently came off her lips, like a whisper.   
  
"You need to stop running away from me."   
  
He heard her usual sigh.   
  
"You'd be the expert at that, wouldn't you."   
  
  
  
She said it with a bit of a sting in her voice. Like she wanted to hurt him.   
  
"Abby . . . "   
  
He said it pleadingly. At least now they have established who they are talking to.   
  
How many times had he said her name? How many times did their conversations start or end in a hostile fashion? They both wanted to hurt each other.   
  
"What do you want?"   
  
What did he want? Did he expect her to go running back into his arms? Yes. Actually he did.   
  
"I...I want you back in my life..."  
  
  
  
He watched her get out of her chair and turn around.   
  
"Little too late, don't you think?"   
  
He looked at her questioningly.   
  
"You leave me, break up with me in a letter. In a damn letter, that was read to the whole ER . . . "  
  
He heard her voice cracking.   
  
"And then you come back with some whore, parading her around like she's some god or something. And I'm absolutely nothing to you."  
  
He knew she was getting angry. He had seen her only this way once or twice.   
  
"So suddenly I'm supposed to forget everything that happened, and pretend to be happy?"  
  
He went after her, grabbing her by the shoulders, stabilizing her in front of him.   
  
"I never asked you to pretend."   
  
She looked straight ahead, instead of looking at him.   
  
"And I'm not pretending now. Get out of my life."   
  
He didn't know what to say, how to act.   
  
"What?"  
  
She looked up at him, locking eyes with him.   
  
"Get out of my life."   
  
He let her go, slightly pushing her away. He mustered a simple "fine" and headed toward the door, slamming it on his way out. 


	7. Hopeless But Sure

Author's Notes: Thank you to Kat who is just the best reviewer and commentator... Thanks to Jane for all the support in the world.. And then to my reviewers, whom I love more than life itself (I live for reviews):: Fuuruma, Maven, Tracey, Mandi, Amanda, Blaire, and AngelChase. Thanks for all the support and comments. I keep on putting what you guys want into the fic, so dont' worry. This chapter is a bit slow, but the next one.. The next few ones could get interesting... :-) Just please review and tell me what you like, what you don't like, the whole carby vs. luby situation. Whatever. My email is ellaspyrka@yahoo.com and my sn for AIM is Love Among Ruin Thanks so much!!  
  
He headed home, refusing to let the tears that threatened to fall actually do so. She had scarred him more than she would ever know. He managed to somehow get home to the mansion. Kem was waiting for him at the door. He quickly kissed her and rushed off. Wanting to be alone. To forget. He walked into his study, grabbing a glass out of the cabinet. He was tempted to have a drink, but he couldn't. He didn't because of her. He knew how it could control a person, take over, change them. He filled it with water instead. He sat down on the couch, his hands and feet moving, twitching. He wasn't nervous, or angry, just frustrated. And hurt. He looked out at the yard in front of him. The bushes, flowers, fountains. Everything so surreal. He wanted to be back to where nothing mattered but saving lives. He wanted to be back in the Congo, in Africa. He would save lives and sleep. That was the extent of his day. And he didn't need more to make it exciting. He picked up his phone, searching for Katie's number. He dialed it, and he heard her cheery voice answer. He wanted two one-way tickets to the Congo. He was taking Kem and getting out of Chicago. She seemed miserable here, and he didn't blame her. He was too. He was getting out of her life.   
  
He walked back to find Kem. She was sitting in the kitchen, reading an article from some magazine. She instantly looked up at him when he entered the room.   
  
"We're going back."   
  
She looked at him, questioning his morality. His judgement.   
  
"John, are you okay? Did something happen?"  
  
He sat down across from her.   
  
"No. I just, I need to go back. It's hard to explain."   
  
He knew it would be hard to explain. He knew he could sum it up in a sentence or two. She wanted him to get out of her life. So he did.   
  
"When?"  
  
He looked up at her, smiling a bit to reassure her that this was for the best.  
  
"Tomorrow night."   
  
He saw her nod her head, but he knew she was skeptical, although he also knew she had been dying to get home.   
  
"Where are you going?"  
  
He looked up at the tile, the designs on the walls.   
  
"Probably Matenda."   
  
She wouldn't try to stop him because once he made up his mind, it was set in stone. The people knew him, and trusted him. He would rather be there, no matter what the conditions were.   
  
"I'll go with you."  
  
That's the last thing he needed. She was pregnant, and the last place she should be is a war-torn country with limited food and water. She could die. Or be killed. And he would never forgive himself.   
  
"No. Stay in Kinshasa. I'll visit you, keep in touch. It's too dangerous."   
  
He felt her grab his hand.   
  
"I want to be with you."   
  
He started to get up, letting her hand go.   
  
"It's too dangerous."   
  
He walked away, heading toward his bedroom. He shut the door behind him, locking it. He wanted to be alone tonight. It just felt right. He laid down on his bed, the last good night's rest he may have. Yet he spoke too soon. He heard his pager go off, and reached for it across the night stand. He dialed the number and heard Susan's voice over pure chaos. Something mumbled about having to come in, that he was on call tonight. He reluctantly got out of bed, and headed down the stairs, not bothering to inform Kem that he was leaving.   
  
He reached the hospital in record time, parking his car quickly to one of the sides, and jumping out. They had a multi car pile up on the Eisenhower and all the victims were being shipped to County. He grabbed one of the first and most critical victims. He walked in with the gurney, waving in for Susan to see.  
  
"Where do you want her?"   
  
He saw her look around, then back at him.   
  
"Trauma one. Abby's waiting for you."   
  
He looked back at the patient and rushed toward Trauma one. Abby or no Abby, she needed attention, STAT. He hoped they would be professional. And the awkward silence that strained them wouldn't be there, at least through the trauma.   
  
He got into the room, doing everything possible not to meet gazes with her. But it was sort of complicated since they had to work on an intubation, so they were centimetres apart. Yet he hadn't felt as exhilarated nor as pleased with his work in months. After the initial run had gone through smoothly, he stepped back and watched her run the trauma. She knew exactly what she was doing, in every possible situation. She had gotten a chest tube in less than three minutes, which was astounding. She was in complete control. She handed him the orders and he quickly signed them, not doubting one thing on the chart.   
  
As soon as she was rolled upstairs to the ICU, another one came in. Him and Abby, again. He just watched her this time. And it was even more complicated. They ended up having to do a cut down. And she did everything like a pro, from the incision to the suture. He wasn't sure this was the same woman he had spoken to a few hours ago. And he instantly fell in love with her again. Because she had that power over him. Every time he saw her, he fell in love with her all over again. And he always would, no matter how much he tried not to.   
  
He watched her finish him up, and ship him off to surgery. He walked out of the room, and saw Susan. He needed to tell her that he was leaving, indefinitely, to the Congo. This wasn't going to be easy.   
  
"Susan, can I talk to you for a sec?"  
  
She looked at him, smiling.   
  
"Yeah. I can even give you two."   
  
He followed her into the lounge, both craving a cup of mud. Or coffee. There was no difference.   
  
"So what's up?"  
  
He sat down on the couch, right next to her.   
  
"I'm going back."  
  
She dropped the relaxed look from her face.   
  
"Africa?"   
  
He started to nod his head.   
  
"Why?"  
  
He didn't feel like explaining it to her. It was such an internal need.   
  
"I just need to be there."  
  
She looked at the door, probably debating what to tell him to stay.   
  
"This is because of Abby."  
  
She didn't say it like a question, just a pure, well-known fact.   
  
"No . . . No it isn't."  
  
She looked at him in disbelief.   
  
"So you're just running away?"   
  
He started to stand up. She had no right to say that.   
  
"I'm not just running away! We're over, Susan. It was doomed from the beginning. I'm going back to Africa because there are millions of people that need me, people who are dying without medical attention..."  
  
He was screaming it near the end, out of rage.   
  
"You're running away."   
  
She was moved, or even concerned. She knew him too well, and she knew that nothing would happen to her. Even if he was in one of his rages.   
  
"I have no reason to stay."  
  
He saw her shake her head, a gaze that said 'you're an idiot'.   
  
"You have every reason to stay."   
  
He started to shake his head.   
  
"I'm leaving because it's the best thing for me."   
  
She rolled her eyes.   
  
"You should tell her."  
  
He gave her a questioning glace.   
  
"Tell her what?"  
  
He watched her run her hand through her blonde hair.   
  
"That you're desperately in love with her and can't live another second without her."  
  
It had been funny the first time. He just gave her this harsh look.   
  
"You're hopeless."  
  
He needed to say something. This was getting ridiculous.   
  
"No. I'm not hopeless. I've found a woman I can be with, who loves me for who I am, and doesn't expect anything from me."   
  
She had begun to walk toward the door, but she quickly turned around.   
  
"But do you love her?"   
  
He didn't know how to respond. Yes, he loved her? No, he didn't? It had been easy with Abby. It just felt so right to say it. But now. He was being cautious, careful. He didn't want to get hurt. Those three words could save lives, and destroy them at the same time. 


	8. Shut Out

He had spent three weeks in Matenda. The hut that had served as shelter earlier had been burned to the ground when he arrived. It had taken a few days to build a new one, but it was okay. The Mai-Mai were guarding the area closer every day, yet he stopped caring about his life. It was a blur, it meant nothing. No one would miss him, no one would mourn. He would just be another body, rotting away in the schoolhouse. He hadn't seen Kem since they landed. He quickly rushed off, heading for his next plane to take him to Kisangani, and then to Matenda. He hadn't even talked to her on the plane ride here, which was saying a lot since it was about ten hours in flight. He starred out at the grim countryside, being lighted by the full moon. He had wanted to come back here, to lessen the pain he had felt earlier. And now he only hurt more. It was the opposite, the other way around. He wasn't supposed to think about her. She had wanted him to get out of her life. She finally seemed happy. Because he left.   
  
It had been all his fault that she was depressed, miserably, unhappy. He took a drink from the cup of water he held in his hand. He was alone in helping these people, besides the occasion nurse that came down from Kisangani with supplies. He liked it that way. The people knew him. They knew he only wanted to help them. He was a god to them. He felt like the most insignificant person to them. They all had families, and even through the worst times, they stuck together. He couldn't keep a relationship together, even if he tried. He had no one. He sat on the wooden stairs, remembering the day he had come home, changed. He had just seen his life before his eyes, and the better part of those memories consisted of Abby. And he had simply wanted to tell her that he loved her. She pushed him away. She put her walls back up. He knew her better than he knew himself. He had hurt her. He couldn't stop thinking about it on the way home. He just wanted to make it right. He made it worse. Of course, both were to blame. He shouldn't have left. And she should have talked to him. He heard a car coming up the path, and saw the headlights a few seconds later. It was someone from the hospital, the red cross was visible, even in the dull light.   
  
"Dr. Carter?"   
  
He started to get up, heading to the car.   
  
"Yes?"   
  
The man behind the wheel seemed tired, yet he had gotten here. Someone else came out from the other door, and she walked over to him.   
  
"I'm Dr. Sanders, I"m taking over here for you for a while. You need to get back to the capital. Your wife is having a miscarriage."  
  
He looked at her in confusion.   
  
"My wife?"   
  
She shook her head.   
  
"Makemba."  
  
He looked at her, questioning her intentions.   
  
"She's not my wife. That's not my child."   
  
She looked at him, in complete shock.   
  
"She was asking for you, Doctor."   
  
He looked back at the hut, and then back at the doctor. She looked so young and naive.   
  
"I have six critical patients inside, monitor them closely. The rest come during the day."   
  
He watched her nod her head, and then he headed toward the passenger door.   
  
"Congratulations."   
  
He got in without saying a word, and he watched her for a second before turning back to her.   
  
"Don't let the Mai-Mai push you around."   
  
He watched her smile reassuringly, and she waved them off. He relaxed in the car, resting his head against the back of the seat. He hadn't exactly forgotten about Kem. He just selectively chose not to think about her. He worried about her, yes. But he just couldn't pretend that this child was his. That he was completely carefree with her. It was too complicated. He closed his eyes, and the sound of the engine and of the silent world lulled him into slumber.   
  
He woke up, a few hours later, a cramp in his neck, and sunlight blasting through the windows. He looked at the driver, and he seemed more awake and refreshed. He didn't know where he was, only that he had reached a city. Within a few moments, the driver pulled up in front of a hospital.   
  
"Here she is, Doctor. Third floor, Room 145."   
  
He got out slowly, testing the ground. He thanked the driver, and headed up the stairs. He reached the desk, and questioned the nurse about the whereabouts of Kem. She was exactly where the driver had said, Room 145. He followed the nurse, and upon entering he saw Kem. He rushed in, running to the end of the room.   
  
As he got closer, he realized, she was not alone. A man sat on a chair next to her gently kissing her hand. He walked up to her, and he saw her stir.   
  
"John?"   
  
He looked at her, then at the man, giving her a questioning gaze. The same was repeated for the man and him. He was trying not to be angry, or afraid. He watched the man stand up, wipe her forehead with a wet towel.   
  
"Shh, don't speak my Makemba."  
  
He said it in a lulled whisper, kissing her forehead gently.   
  
He watched Kem's head fall back onto the pillow, and she fell back asleep, her body weak from the recent tragedy. A nurse walked in, and ushered him and the man out of the room. He walked out first, and leaned against the door.   
  
"How is she?"   
  
The man gave him a glare, burning right through him.   
  
"I do not think that to be any of your concern any longer."   
  
His accent was heavy, yet Carter managed to understand what he was saying.   
  
"I am worried about her, that's all."   
  
The man gave him another one of his glares.   
  
"No need to be, she is well cared for. Enough, in fact. So I suggest you forget you ever knew her."  
  
The man had authority. The way he held himself. The way he talked. He watched him walk back to Kem's bedside. He started toward the door. He had no reason to stay.  
  
He started toward the central Red Cross Building, from there he could arrange a ride back to Matenda, and he could also check his mail, as if anyone would even remember about him. He got the building, and checked in at the desk. He was told to wait for a moment while they looked for someone who was headed to either Kisangani or Matenda. He sat down, and was handed a cold soda. He sipped it slowly, and heard a laugh from a few feet away.   
  
"Well look who it is, Richie Rich."   
  
He looked up and saw Debbie walking toward him.   
  
"Hey you."   
  
She smiled at him.   
  
"I heard you were in town, but I wouldn't believe it till I saw it."  
  
He laughed.   
  
"Thanks."   
  
She handed him a few papers.   
  
"I gotta go, but great to see you again."   
  
He flipped through the papers, and somewhere from the African Embassy, asking him to renew his papers. There was a card from County, some paperwork he had asked to be shipped over, and a letter with no return address. 


	9. Lost Words

Author's Notes: Short Chapter but I hope you like.. I promise something longer tomorrow, if I don't get to update tonight. I promise!! Thanks so much for the reviews!!! I'm in a hurry, so sorry everything is incredibly short!!  
  
He opened the letter slowly, since the envelope itself was torn and dirty, probably been on countless journeys before reaching its final destination. He managed to pull the letter out, and he returned to the envelope. It was postmarked October 13th, 2003 Chicago, IL. He had been in Matenda then. A while away from Kinshasa. He wondered why he hadn't received it until now. It probably had been lost. But he had never been here at base for longer than a few minutes either. He should have gotten it before. He had been here, November? December? January? February? It was February and he was barely getting a letter from October. He returned back to opening the letter. The writing had a vague familiarity.   
  
"Dr. Carter?"   
  
He was drawn away from his letters. He looked up to see a young man standing in front of him.   
  
"Yeah?"   
  
He saw the man start summing up his sentences, his English probably broken.   
  
"I am going back to Kisangani, and I was instructed to have you come with me."   
  
He nodded his head and started to get up, shoving the envelope and letter in with the rest of his mail.   
  
They reached the Jeep and started on their journey. It was a good six hours, if not more. He was still unsure how he would get to Matenda from Kisangani. He relaxed a bit and searched for the mysterious letter. He opened it once again, seeing the agility and grace of a woman's handwriting. Yet it wasn't only a woman's . . . It was Abby's. He instantly tensed up, sitting on the edge of his seat, his heart beating heavily. He needed to relax. The man looked at him, and he sank back down into his seat. He pulled the paper open and started to read.   
  
John,   
  
It's been about four weeks since your letter, and I am finally able to write this, and say thank-you. Your leaving helped me look at myself, at who I truly was. It helped me see I wanted more. I wanted to be the person you had always believed me to be. So I took a chance, and made some changes. I went back to medical school. That being my first goal. I wanted you to be the first one to know, you deserve as much. You're the one that helped me decide where I wanted my life to go. I owe a lot to you. The smoking stopped. It's been about two weeks already, and I'm pulling through. And the drinking. I swore I wouldn't when you left, and I had the worst craving. I wanted everything to go away. All the pain I was feeling. But I didn't. And I haven't. AA is part of my daily routine lately, and as funny as it sounds, it's helping . . .   
  
I'm just babbling now, and I guess you probably don't care. I don't want this to be some quick fix, because I saw this truthfully, I'm finally doing this all for me. And only me. I'm not going to give myself the excuse 'it's all for Carter' because you're worth so much more. And what you said was true. I am strong, but I didn't believe it until now. You were also wrong. I need you. You're the one person who gave me strength, who stood by me. You said not to wait for you, but it's hard not to. I would wait forever, if it would mean we would be together again. Us. Like we were before. I don't want to lose you, you are, after all, my best friend.   
  
I don't' know why I"m writing this. I guess it's because I don't have you to talk to over coffee. I'm not asking you to come home, or force yourself to be with me. I just want to know, is there hope for us? I really don't see myself saying this to you, but I am. Please don't give up. But if you already have, I understand. There was nothing about me that seemed so appealing. You'll find someone and I hope she treats you well, and that you're finally happy. I just, I need to know if you'll be in my future. I've held my life on hold for too long, I need to get it up and running again. I'd wait for you. But I need to know if you want me to. I can't keep on giving myself false hope, I need to face reality. Tell me what I'm supposed to do. If I don't hear from you, I understand you want me out of your life. You have no reason to want me in it anyway. But I'll never forget you. Thank you.   
  
Abby 


	10. Bright Flames

He sat around the fire, watching the flames reach up to the sky then go down to the ground. He held the letter in his hand, almost ripping from where it has been folded and refolded, creases forming holes. He didn't know how to react. He couldn't just go back and tell her never got the letter. She would never believe him. He didn't want to destroy the good in her life, she would only become miserable if he was to show up again. He wondered why love couldn't take a straight path. It never did. It turned and twisted, cheated and deceived. Sometimes it would lead to the right destination, and other time it only drew more circles.   
  
He opened it again, yet he knew it by heart. He knew the delicate curve of her handwriting, the exact places where she had stopped, the points on the paper where salty tears had sunk through. He had been too damn late. It was too damn late to do anything anymore. He waved the paper in his hand, and finally decided to crumble it. He threw it into the flames, feeding the light, prolonging his suffering. The yellow, orange, and red shooting up into the dark sky mesmerized him. He laid down on the dry earth, oblivious to the clay that would be attached to him when he stood. He starred up at the sky, being able to see every star in extreme detail. He started to think about Kem. How easily fooled he was by her. He thought she was going to be the one, he had given up so much to be with her, and yet she left him. Maybe it was his fate to be alone. Every relationship he had, he tried. And every relationship had ended somehow, if not by choice, then by chance. And one of them had been by both. He didn't want to think about it. He had such a good thing, and he turned it all down, he just gave up. He had given up. It was that plain and simple. He knew she was worth it. She had always been worth it, yet he didn't want her to be. He wanted to forget her, to erase her from memory. But it wasn't that easy. She was a part of him, for better or worse. She was the first and only person he could say he truly ever loved.   
  
He would give up anything to see again. To feel her touch, the sweetness of her kiss. But she was a million miles away, with a man she obviously loved. At least she had found true love. Maybe they weren't meant to be soul mates. He was glad that she had pulled herself together, changed for herself and only for herself. Another part of him dreaded it, wanting his old, dependent, miserable Abby back. He knew he would never see her again. He saw a silhouette of a figure coming towards him, and he quickly wiped away his tears and sat back up.   
  
"Dr. John?"   
  
He looked up to see a brunette standing over him.   
  
"Yeah?"   
  
She sat down next to him.   
  
"How long are you planning to stay here, in the Congo?"   
  
He shrugged his shoulders. He didn't want to go back to Chicago. Yet he didn't feel right here anymore either.   
  
"As long as you need me."   
  
He saw her take a deep sigh.   
  
"I feel the same way. Except that these conditions are getting worse. It's too dangerous to be here."   
  
He looked at her, questioning where this conversation was leading.   
  
"And due to those circumstances, we have been asked to evacuate."   
  
He looked around him, at the dead countryside.   
  
"What about the patients?"  
  
There were so many people dependant on the facilities' medical care.   
  
"The most critical will be transported to the safest location. We aren't even sure where that is. And the Red Cross will take over, coming down once or twice a week, as needed."   
  
He nodded his head.   
  
"So where am I supposed to go?"   
  
He looked at her.   
  
"Home."   
  
He started to shake his head. He couldn't go home.   
  
"Doctor, go home. You probably have family and friends that are worried about you. Come back, when the fighting subsides."   
  
He closed his eyes.   
  
"They need help during the fighting as well."   
  
He heard her clear her throat.   
  
"The locals can handle it. They are used to it. You are not. You shouldn't have to risk your life every minute."   
  
He kept on shaking his head. He wanted to stay here.   
  
"Dr. Carter, this is out of your control. It's been a government order to evacuate. There are two cars leaving to the capital tomorrow morning. There is a flight from Kisangani to Kinshasa, from there you are able to catch an airplane back to America. The arrangements have been made."   
  
He watched her begin to get up.   
  
"When can I come back?"   
  
She looked at him.   
  
"When this hell ends."   
  
He knew it never would.   
  
"I'd return in 24 hours notice."  
  
She smiled at him.   
  
"I'll keep that in mind. Thank you."   
  
He leaned back against the cold ground. The last time for a while that he would see the stars shine so brightly. 


	11. Consequences

Author's Notes: I'm sorry for the lack of Author's notes. And for the short updates. I'm bombarded with work and it's just crazy.. But I still update cause I love reviews. So keep on reviewing and I"ll keep on updating. Thanks tons to everyone!! Another short author's note, and the chapter is medium in length, but we're moving the plot along.   
  
He was greeted by the bitter cold of Chicago. It was the middle of February, yet snow laid in piles on the ground, and he headed home. Wherever home was. He had spoken to his father and they were planning to get together. But first he needed to unpack, find some suitable clothes, and call County. He knew Kerry wouldn't be too happy. But what else was he supposed to do? The ride from O'Hare took shorter than he had thought, and in what seemed like minutes, he was home. He thanked his driver, and got out, bringing his two bags along with him. He pulled out his keys from his travel bag, and opened the door. The heavy, thick air hit him hard, and he started to choke. No one had been there in a while. No one had any reason to. He was the only one, alone in the world. He closed the door, looking around at the furniture, everything covered in plastic, preserving it for the next generation. He dropped his bags on the floor, and headed toward the kitchen, the only usable phone in the house as far as he knew. Everything was covered in dust, the marble floors even refusing to echo his footsteps like they always did. He reached the kitchen, and it seemed a bit more alive than the rest of the house. Maybe that's because someone came in every so often. But it didn't matter. He pulled up a chair, and sat down, pulling the phone off the charger. He saw the message blink. 98 new messages. Probably all from the foundation. He dialed County's number, and he dialed the extension for the ER, by mistake, being used to only dialing that number. He didn't hang up, maybe he would have the luck of catching Kerry downstairs. He heard a female voice answer. He instantly recognized it as Susan.   
  
"Hello?"   
  
He wanted to laugh. She sounded so blonde at that moment.   
  
"Susan? It's Carter."  
  
He heard some chaos in the background.   
  
"So you finally got to phone, huh?"   
  
So he hadn't called or written much.   
  
"Well technically I'm home."   
  
He heard the phone drop for a minute, and he heard screaming on the other side of the phone, along with someone laughing.   
  
"Sorry. It's crazy today. You're home? Chicago?"  
  
It sounded funny to say he was home. It didn't feel like home at all.   
  
"Yeah. Is Kerry there?"   
  
He waited for her to reply, and he heard her asking Frank over the phone.   
  
"She just left. Call her office."   
  
He fiddled with the tiles and his chair while talking.   
  
"Okay, thanks."   
  
He started to hang up, when he heard Susan stop him.   
  
"Carter, wait."   
  
He held the phone back up his ear.   
  
"Mmhmm?"   
  
He suddenly gained interest at the sound of her tone.   
  
"She broke up with Luka a few days after you left."   
  
He was caught off guard, the complete opposite of what he was thinking about at that moment.   
  
"What?"  
  
He heard her sigh on the other end of the phone.   
  
"Abby."   
  
He started to bite his bottom lip, the complete thought of her had disappeared from his mind for a while. He hung up the phone, dialing Kerry's number. After much begging, her secretary put him through.   
  
"You're back, I'm assuming?"   
  
He knew she wasn't in a good mood.   
  
"Yeah, I got home about half an hour ago."   
  
He didn't hear anything but the rustling of papers for a few minutes.   
  
"And you're calling to ask when you can get back to work?"   
  
She had either planned this all out, or knew exactly what she was going to say.   
  
"I know you could use me."   
  
He heard her secretary come in, and ask her about something, he wasn't sure what though.   
  
"We could use you. Except you no longer hold a position at this hospital anymore."   
  
He excepted as much. He didn't say anything.   
  
"You were appointed Chief of Emergency Medicine and within one week you left. You need to realize when you go off playing "Congo Doctor" your choices have consequences, consequences that affect all of us. How the hell was I supposed to get your shifts covered in six hours notice? That's bullshit, John."   
  
He knew she was just plainly pissed off. She had reason to be.  
  
"I'm sorry."   
  
He didn't know what else to say.   
  
"I cannot hire you because I have no positions available and much less funding for them. I just accepted Abby mid-year for her residency. There is no way I'm going to be able to put anyone else in unless I fire someone. And truth being, I believe Abby to stick around longer than you."  
  
He didn't open his mouth. It was like getting lectured. You don't' say anything until the very end.   
  
"Yet I do need an extra doctor. So I'd be willing to take you. On a per diem basis only."  
  
It was better than nothing.   
  
"Sure. Anything you say, Kerry."   
  
He wasn't going to fight. He was too tired and withdrawn to.   
  
She dictated him the rules of the agreement, and he got a rough draft of his hours. Mostly nights. He hung up the phone, and headed upstairs to take a shower. He needed to rest a bit. He was on tonight. He just loved Kerry for her sympathy and compassion.   
  
He walked into his room to grab some towels, and strewn around his room, he saw his last careless packing. He took some of his clothes, and began to refold them. After he had cleared off most of the tornado, he managed to get to his dresser. He dropped his keys on it, along with his wallet. A gleam of paper caught his eye in the corner, covered by something. He pulled it out, and noticed there were more than one. They were pictures, the pictures that Abby had given him back the day he had come back the first time. The day the falling apart started. He looked at the pictures, both smiling and happy. It seemed a million years ago. He threw the picture into the wastebasket, heading towards the door. He walked into the hallway, and then turned around, going back and taking them out, leaving them on the dresser once again. It was hard to hold on, and even harder to let go. 


	12. Encounters

He walked into the hospital the same way he had for almost 13 years now. It was almost ironical the way nothing had changed and everything had changed. You don't realise the big changes until you live through them or leave for a period of time. For everyone here, this was the normal building that they had gotten used to. For him it was changed, different, better. He walked through security, pushing in his new code that Kerry had provided for him. The security was defintely better and it was partially because of him. He remembered the insurrection. That was quite a day. He quickly walked into the lounge, which wasn't the lounge anymore, it was a bed area. Okay first day back, and he's lost. He walked towards the desk, and saw Jerry sitting behind it playing a game, so some things don't change.   
  
"Jerry, where's the lounge?"  
  
He got the shake of Jerry's hand, pointing in the complete opposite direction. He headed towards it. So its his first day back and its like he never left. He saw the sign on the door that said "Authorized Personal Only" so he assumed it was the doctor's lounge and headed in. He saw Susan's blonde hair and headed over to her. She was working on some charts, probably hoping to get out of there.   
  
"Hey."  
  
He noticed she was a bit thrown back by his appearance, but suddenly a smile formed and she headed over to him to give him a hug.  
  
"Welcome back. Again."  
  
He laughed a little. It's great to be back. Home as they call it. He'll never actually be home. Home is a word you attach to something with meaning. This had no meaning for him. This was Chicago, or his residency, or whatever. Not home. He didn't know where home actually was.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
She sat back down at her desk, and he headed over to his locker which suprizingly hadn't been taken away. He opened it, and threw his stuff in. He took out his lab coat, which was a bit dusty from the lack of wear, hell everything in his locker gathered dust.   
  
"So who's on tonight?"  
  
She started to laugh a little and he could tell she was tired.   
  
"This morning was crazy. Now it's pretty much settled. Kovac is on call. Pratt and Gallant are due any minute, and Abby's been on since 12 so let her grab a break sometime."  
  
He hoped he wouldn't have the awkwardness or the silence that they had before.   
  
"Okay. Can do. And you?"  
  
She shook her head, looking at him like he was crazy.   
  
"Hell I've been on for 36 hours straight. My back hurts, my eyes are refusing to open, and I have had loosing battles with morning sickness for weeks."  
  
He walks closer to her.  
  
"Morning sickness?"  
  
She nods her head.   
  
"Yeah, that thing you get during pregnancy."  
  
She's a bit bitter, it's probably the combination of horomones and work.   
  
"Congratulations."  
  
She rolls her eyes.   
  
"Yeah.. Please.."  
  
She grabs her coat off the back of the chair and starts to head towards the door.  
  
"Good luck, good night, and listen to Abby. She's the only one who knows what the hell is going on."  
  
Right. That's another akward moment. He's just planning to stay out of her way, otherwise they will probably end up not agreeing with each other and a fight can start. And that's the last thing he needs. He's in charge tonight. He need her to cooperate with him in every way possible, especially during trauma.   
  
He walks out the door, Susan's charts in hand. He needs to check up on her patients and try to get some admits. He begins to read the charts and feels the force of someone in front of him. He goes stubbling back. He looks up to see Abby, suited in scrubs and her lab coat, pile of charts in one hand, a container of coffee in the other. Her eyes shoot him a death glance and he decides to step back for his ultimate safety. This wasn't how he had expected the first encounter to be like. 


	13. Unforgotten

Authors' Notes: Hey guys, I've "Recalled to Life" this story. LOL I'm on break so I have time to write and update and will actually motivation to do so. Umm these first few chapters are gonna be crappy cause I've been working on a story with Kat... I hope you guys have read it.. It's called "Hate to Love and Back" and well I'm doing first person Carter POV and it's hard for me to get back into the groove with this one since is in the third person... And I have to stop getting my plots confused. Give me like 2 or three days and we'll be okay. I promise. And tell me what you think. I enjoy both nice and nasty flamming reviews cause then I know what I have to fix. Any ideas, comments, ANYTHING please send me an email:: ellaspyrka@yahoo.com or AIM me: Love Among Ruin or MSN Messanger, just type in my email addy in the contacts list. Anyways thanks so much and enjoy the new show ... LOL And thanks to Amanda and Kat for reviewing.. LOL I can always count on you!! Thanks!!!   
  
He looked at her closer, the dark bags under her eyes stood out more than they had before. But now she was a resident and working unbelieveable hours and shifts. Her hair was thrown up loosely and half of it hanged out at the bottom. She looked more worn out but she seemed a bit more energetic, a bit more resilient. Not the way he remembered her. Maybe her physical apperanace hadn't changed much, but mentally, she was a new person.   
  
"Sorry."  
  
She looked at him for a second, then rolled her eyes and laughed. Some old habits like rolling her eyes would never change.   
  
"It's alright. I"ve had a long day. So... you're back?"  
  
He had expected silence, or strange glares, or maybe even some hostility. But not this. Not her like this.   
  
"Yeah... I got home yesterday."  
  
She nods her head and takes a sip of her coffee and makes a funny glance. Her coffee must either be bad or cold. She heads over the garbage can near the door and throws it in.   
  
"Never let Chuny make coffee."  
  
He laughs a little. She's so much more outgoing, happier. He doesn't know how or why. He could stand there for hours just watching her. She's beautiful.   
  
"I'm heading to get coffee right now, do you want anything?"  
  
She shakes her head no.   
  
"I'll go with you."  
  
Abby Lockhart has been replaced by aliens. Or something's happened to her. He loves the new Abby. But is it really her? Is he hiding some sort of pain and misery behind a smile and a laugh? He watches her walk off to get her coat and he starts walking towards the door, checking the board. Everything seems stable and clear, and he has his pager, and Gallant and Pratt are both here. She emerges from the doors and head over to him.   
  
"Let's go."   
  
  
  
He joins her in her small stride towards the newly opened diner across the road. They walk in silence for a bit, she's looking up at the snow fall. Snow, he hadn't seen it all year, until now, and he realized how much he missed it.   
  
"So.. How are you and Kem?"  
  
He had expected that question to come up, but not as quickly and openly as right now.   
  
"She's in Africa."  
  
She looks at him questioningly.   
  
"And your here."  
  
He nods his head and allows her to put the pieces together.  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
He shakes his head. Smiling a bit.   
  
"It was nice while it lasted, but it would never work out."  
  
She gives him an understanding glace. He knows she understands. He knows she felt the same way. They are so alike in so many ways. It's just hard to get the right words out when they need to come out.   
  
"I know that feeling."  
  
They stroll lazily across the street. He doesn't know what he's supposed to say. He doesn't want to make her uncomfortable. He's enjoying the moment, the talking. It's nice. It's something they both need.   
  
"So what about you?"  
  
He hears her let out a light ironical laugh.   
  
"Luka's with Sam. They are perfect together."  
  
He assumes it's a good thing, since she's smiling at the end. No hard feelings.   
  
Awkward silence engulfs them both for the few short steps up to the diner. They order coffee and head to their usual booth in the corner.   
  
"It's been a while."  
  
He's still in complete disbelief over the person in front of him.   
  
The coffee comes and he plays with the brown mug. She sips her coffee silently.   
  
"Abby... I got your letter."  
  
She looks up at him, trying to pretend she doesn't know what he's talking about. But he knows she knows. There is no hiding the pain behind her eyes.   
  
"I hadn't know."   
  
The light expression disappears from her face and her usual pout begins to form.   
  
"Don't worry about it, Carter. Can we just try to forget it?"  
  
She's biting on her bottom lip, avoiding his gaze. Why won't she just talk.   
  
"I don't want to."  
  
She looks at him for a second and then goes back to the table.   
  
"Well I have. We both know we're better as friends."  
  
What is he supposed to say to that? What can he say? He shruggs his shoulders and she starts to get up.  
  
"I need to get back to work. I have about 17 patients. Welcome back."  
  
He watches her walk out of the diner, her quick step towards the hospital. He hadn't realized how much he missed her, and their friendship. He misses her. 


	14. Midnight Ponderings

Author's Notes::: Sorry guys, a really really really short chapter, I just really wanted to get this up. I don't know, it's a mental chapter. I hope you like, and give me some input on where this plot should go b/c I just plainly dont' know where I want it to go. It will go, I guarantee it, I'm just not sure exactly where. And well I got like four reviews and the people tha review, I LOVE YOU!!! LOL well specifically ony four people, unless you reviewed and I didnt' get my cute little notice, but thanks so much to ER-Carby-Luva, CarbyForever, Rizzo1, and as always Kat, your my inspiration!! :-) And to anyone that reviewed, thanks....   
  
The world never works the way its supposed to. He just realized this. Three years ago he had been planning his wedding day and that cute little house with the white picket fence. Now he's lying in bed, alone. Without her. He didn't know what changed. The trip to Oklahoma, he fell in love. That's when he pinpointed it. It had been maybe infatuation, or maybe liking, but love was when his world went upside down. There wasn't one thing he wouldn't do for her. He vowed for her affection, her friendship, her trust. Her. Just plainly her. And after he finally had her, he realized, she wasn't what he had expected. She was better. And worse at the same time. When they had been going out, her problems were suddenly his, and he hadn't wanted to deal with them. It was so complicated. So damn complicated. And slowly, with time, he knew she was the one. He just couldn't bring himself to accept her. For who she really was. She had faults, but so did he. He just hid his better than she did. And thinking back on it, leaving her was the stupidest thing he ever did. He hurt. He was hurting, she had ignored him, left him alone, out in the cold. He had needed her. And she wasn't there. He hadn't expected her to be there either. So it's both their faults. In a way, the more attatched he grew to her, the more pain he had. And the farther he tried to push away from her, the pain was multiplied. One way or another, he couldn't let go. He still can't let go. Watching her work today had convinced him again. He never stopped loving her. Just convinved himself that he needed to but it never actually fell through. Kem was good for a while. But it was too perfect. Too much. And Abby, with all her insecurities, doubts, fears, and problems, was worth every second he had ever spent on her. And every tear he had ever cried for her, it was worth it.   
  
Yet she didn't want him back. She had moved on. Although he was completely sure it was over, she had given up. Maybe for the better. But he can't. She still controls him, the same way she did the first day that he had met her. She saved his life. He rolled out of bed, the bitter cold meeting him once again. He can't go on like this. He had never needed anything more in his life. He's done convincing himself she's not the one. Fed up with the tears over nothing, he knew what he was crying for. He knew what he was hiding from himself. He needs her more than air to breath. He'd do anything to get her back. He walks the steps down to the kitchen, aiming for a cup of coffee. Sleep wasn't going to be kind. Never was. What was love? He couldn't give himself an answer either than Abby. He loved her. He loved her more than he ever had before. It's just a shock, a jolt, a rush of energy. He was hiding from himself, wishing he was someone else. He wasn't. He was in love with her.   
  
He sat down at the table. He needed to know. What had gone wrong. What the hell had gone wrong to destory something so destined? It had all happened at once. The death, the funeral, her brother, Africa. He had needed to find himself. He found himself, then he fell back apart. It hadn't been exactly what he had imagined or hoped for. He knew he was a better and stronger person, but he also knew a part of him was missing.   
  
What if she didn't want him? What if she didn't love him? What if? The questions without answer, the answers too hard to bare. 


	15. Destructive Realizations

Author's Notes::: Okay so I got bored and I started this thing up again. I'm a bit more motivated and have a good idea where I want it to go so I'll stick with it. And if people yell at me enough I'll get a chapter up a day... Please read and review or flame or complain. I don't care as long as I get something in that cute little review box. But really, please!! It gives me double motivation to keep writing!!! :o) And Susan, I love you! Thank you so much for all the support!!   
  
~*~  
  
He set the last of the discharge orders onto the pile, taking a glance at the board. It's 2:27 in the morning. His body still hasn't gotten used to the time change, even though it's been one week. He searched around, but everyone was either sleeping, or sitting around playing cards. He looked for Jerry and yelled that he was going to lie down for a while. Sleep deprivation is key when working in a county hospital. It's a huge change from Africa, the ultrasounds, the paperwork, the labs, the tests, everything. It's all beneficial, maybe not always necessary, but it helps. He swung the door open to the suture room. They never used it unless they were completely packed. Tonight is not one of those nights, so he might be able to get some sleep before a huge morning trauma comes in along with his morning cup of coffee. He started walking toward the gurney on the other side of the room when he realized he wasn't alone. He shifted toward the bed, and saw her sleeping figure. He watched her chest rise and fall with every breath, the same way he used to right after they made love. He decided against staying the room, it would only cause him more torture. He started toward the door when he heard her body move on the bed.   
  
"Carter?"  
  
He turned around, she was barely visible in the nocturnal light.   
  
"Sorry. I thought this room was empty."   
  
She shook her head, running her hands through her hair. He could finally make her out from the dark, his eyes adjusted to the limited light. She was leaning on her elbows, looking at him. She let out a sigh, and sat up. It's been awkward lately, they haven't talked, avoided each other at all costs except in trauma. He started to open the door, she's been keeping away from him for a reason, and he will never find that reason out. The door is shut by a quick push of her hand. She's standing a few inches away from him, her arm brushing up against him. She starts to lean up against the door, he starts to move back.   
  
"We've got to figure out where we stand."   
  
He shrugged his shoulders. He doesn't know where they stand, there is no point in trying to figure it out. He knows where he stands with her. He knows he will always be drawn to her, he will always want to be with her, and she will always hurt him. It's inevitable, a disaster from the beginning that one is bothering to stop. He started to trudge toward the gurney, pushing the security bar down and sitting down. He observed her calm step, she's completely in control and he's an emotional wreck. He's only been in the same room with her for a few seconds and he's mesmerized by her. She sits down next to him, leaving her clogs on the floor, and sitting crossed legged. He shifts his body so he's farther away from her. He needs his space, the distance that can only prove beneficial in the end.   
  
"So where do we stand?"  
  
His first words echo through the empty room. They should have turned on a light, it might look less suspicious the gossiping ER, but neither one is ready to get up to do it. Silence is the most painful, hurtful, evil thing that has ever been invented.   
  
"I don't know."  
  
He looked up at her, her bangs beginning to frame her face, falling in front of her eyes. A simple instinct, his hand went up and pushed those strands back. A reminder of the old times, the times he didn't have to hesitate to give her a kiss, a hug, or to hold her hand. Times where he could tell her to lean against him, and she would without hesitating. Times that he missed, the best times of his life. His thumb ran over her cheeks, she started to move back, he only held onto her tighter. His one link to the past. A link to the future pain as well. He wanted to remember the deep secrets in her brown eyes, the hidden mysteries behind her smile. He wanted to feel the hopelessness when her darkest hour hit and wanted to feel the burden of every single problem they shared.   
  
"Abby . . . "  
  
He watched her gaze go from him to the checkered tile floor. He pushed her chin up to meet him, she was trying to avoid the truth, to somehow control destiny and detour fate. He could read it from her expression, the truth was never far from the surface. He knew her better than she knew herself. He could read her like a book, he had learned how. Many had tried and failed because they had given up, he hadn't. He now was thankful for that. He saw the stone walls being built and destroyed at the same time.   
  
Every limitation he had disappeared. It was unavoidable. He knew it would happen, it only happens with her. Like a bad habit that no one can ever get rid, a horrible addiction. She was his drug. His eyes closed, his body moved, his lips met hers. The constant emptiness that had been following him throughout the last months had disappeared in milliseconds. His body moved toward her, the kiss deepening, desires and needs exposed. Her hands hold on to his neck, holding on and trying to push him away. His tongue invades her mouth, a simple habit, yet complex and internecine. She nibbles on his bottom lip, breaking the kiss. He steals another short one. He sees her in the dull light, misery and regret starting to spread upon her face. His eyes follow her movements, distances becoming greater and greater. She gets off the gurney, walking toward the door.   
  
"We're right back where we started."   
  
Her voice hits him like a ton of bricks. They had both changed in many ways, these aren't the same two people that he had known before. Both are more mature, more aware of the heartbreak the world can cause.   
  
"No, we're not."  
  
His voice came out low, almost unheard.   
  
"You are."  
  
The door slams shut leaving him a blackness unlike any other, a pain that he has never felt before, a regret that will never erase itself from his memory. 


	16. Detrimental Secrets

Author's Notes::: , Kattybaby2318 Fuuruma: Thanks so much for making me start this thing up once again.. LOL I hope it's up to your expectations... Maven: Yup. A chapter a day. Maybe even two today. I don't know.. I"m a bit under the weather, but a promise is a promise.... Kattybaby2318: Did I ever mention you are the absolute best?? LOL Thanks so much for helping me brainstorm and figure out what is going on.. I'd be lost without you!! Ohhh I can pimp the fic in here two.. LOL For whoever doesn't know, me and Kat have written two fics together.. One of them has reached Chapter 106+ Something like that, it's called Hate to Love and Back.. It's a wild ride.. And then we started another one, a bit more mature, it's called Bittersweet Regrets, so if your bored, please take a read!! :o) And when your done reading my annoying author notes, and after your done reading the chapter itself.. Please please please please review?? For the sake of my ultimate sanity? PLEASE!! I live for reviews.. Thanks to everyone and hope you enjoy!!!   
  
~*~  
  
He put on his coat and scarf, shift completed and muscles aching. He threw his bag carelessly around his shoulder, dropping off the charts from the previous night to Kerry and heading out the door. He hadn't had a chance to speak with her; she had all but disappeared after their encounter. She managed to get out three hours earlier, leaving him with a major trauma and grouchy old women. He walked up the stairs and ran his card through the machine, allowing him entrance to the L platform. The train showed up a few minutes later, and he trudged into the packed cart, finding a seat and sitting down, completely exhausted. He pulled out his wallet to place the card inside, shoving it into a random compartment, not caring that he will have to look for it later. A gleaming piece of paper caught his eye, folded and torn in too many places to count. It's the exhaustion that made him notice it. Otherwise, he's in too much of a rush to realize these tiny details. He pulled it out, a folded picture. The same picture. A smile began to spread across his face, it was out of his control now. She looked bedazzling with her light smile and careless expression. The train pulled to a stop and he started to get off, not exactly sure where he was going since this wasn't his stop. He knew, but he didn't want to make himself believe it.   
  
He walked the short block completely unaware of what was going to happen. What did he expect her to do? Apologize and jump into his arms? This was Abby, not Kem. Two different people with two different attitudes toward him. Kem left an imprint on him. She's not that easy to forget. She showed him how easy it was to be deceived. He reached the same short metal gate, his hand reached for the broken handle and lifted then pushed. It had taken a while to learn how to do, but he had managed. He walked up the same cement steps to the same wooden door. He opened it and he walked up the same dirty red carpeted stairs. His hands grazed the same railing. Nothing had changed, when in fact, everything had. Three years ago, he would have been walking up these stairs with his heart pounding and pulse racing, a smile etched upon his face, going up to see her. She had been a goddess to him, untouchable. Everything about her drove him insane, he was drawn to her like a child was drawn to mischief. Her problems seemed minimal to him, anything to help her, anything to be next to her for a short time. Then last year that dream became a reality. Trudging these same steps except a key was in his hand, a home waiting for him. He had never had the benefit of someone waiting for him, and that one year had changed everything for him. She was there when he came home actually waiting for him. A simple ritual, meant so much more to him. He had a vague satisfaction knowing that she was his, through everything. Yet it wasn't always that clear cut, her problems became his problems, and he couldn't turn away. Times he didn't want to, and other times it seemed like too much to bare. He felt like he was trapped, but he didn't want to get out either. She always had the control over him, even when he knew he had her, she still could control him. And now, she still controlled him. He was only standing in front of her door because of the pull she had on him. He would never not respond to it. It was a sudden pull that his body had. He was so confused now, he would never be certain what to expect from Abby.   
  
He rapped at the door, mentally hoping she wouldn't be home. He would have quickly jet down the stairs had he any control over his body, but his mind was insignificant to the bigger picture. He heard the first lock open and then the chain come out. The same door swung open and the same Abby stood before him, exhausted and rumpled, he had woken her up.   
  
"What do you want, Carter?"   
  
He pushed his hands into his pockets, hoping that if he dug far enough he would find a button that would transport him to Pluto. His face fell to the floor, but his eyes looked up at her, she never looked more beautiful.   
  
"To talk."   
  
He saw her run her hands though her hair, suddenly becoming conscious of the crazy state of her blonde mane.   
  
"You missed your chance."   
  
He finally mustered enough energy to look up at her, her gaze could have melt right through him. He saw her fold her arms across her chest, the cold from the hallway probably disrupting her even more. He wanted to say something, beg, plead. But she stepped out the way, opening the door a bit wider for him. He complied. He can't be the one to call the shots right now. It wouldn't be fair.   
  
"I'm sorry."   
  
He heard a smirk from her as she closed the door. He could imagine her rolling her eyes, but could never even think of the thoughts going through her head.   
  
"A little too late for apologizes as well. Get to the point, I have a shift tonight. I need at least 12 hours of sleep."  
  
He followed her as she walked toward the kitchen, setting the kettle for tea. Her blinds were all pulled, not letting any sunshine in, a sure sign she wasn't lying when she said she was trying to sleep.   
  
"About last night."   
  
He was she froze for a second, he could have sworn he saw her cringe.   
  
"What about it?"  
  
She turned around facing him, he suddenly became nervous. It was easier to talk to her back than to her face.   
  
"Where do we stand?"   
  
She was leaning against the counter, looking out into space. She finally diverted her gaze straight at him.   
  
"I don't know where I stand for you, but you were nothing but a big mistake for me."  
  
He looked away from her, he couldn't bare taking any of this.   
  
"You're a liar."  
  
He saw her expression freeze, that was a bit out of line, especially for this conversation.   
  
"And you're a hypocrite."   
  
He saw the fire in her eyes, she wasn't happy, far from it.   
  
"How am I a hypocrite?"  
  
She gave him an ironical little laugh, rolling her eyes and pulling on the towel she held in her hands.  
  
"You would always complain about my problems, how everything was always because of me . . . Well guess what, it's not. I've said it once, and I'll say it again. You've got problems, major problems."   
  
He could almost recall, word for word, the conversation in the ambulance bay that day. The same day that he made a split second decision that changed his life.   
  
"And you claim you've changed. You're no different from the last time I saw you."  
  
He knew he was lying now. She had changed, in more ways than one. Yet he could still see the crumbling foundation that this new Abby was set upon. It wasn't steady at all.   
  
"I'm happy with my life, which is much more than I can say for you."  
  
Now she's making assumptions.   
  
"How would you know that?"  
  
He received a sure smile from her in response.   
  
"Because you wouldn't be here."  
  
It was true. He knew it was true. He wouldn't be searching for the one that made him human, and that one thing was standing right in front of him. He wanted to be with her, to take away all her pains, to give her the world. But she didn't want it, she wanted to make him suffer.   
  
"You're the same."   
  
She shrugged her shoulders. She's gained a lot more confidence.  
  
"So be it."  
  
He started to play with the keys in his pocket, avoiding looking at her. If he looked at her, he would get out the words he had been hoping to say.   
  
"You're doing the same thing you did before. Pushing people that care about you away. You claim to have moved on. You haven't. How come you haven't found yourself a boyfriend? A husband? Gotten married? Had children? You're too scared. Abby, you . . . You are amazing. You just don't see how much potential you have. You'd make a great wife . . . A perfect mother . . . "  
  
She had turned around, turning the kettle off, and slamming the cabinet doors shut.   
  
"And what? Risk passing on the disease?"  
  
He rolled his eyes, she hadn't moved on all that much. The disease still controls her every move.   
  
"You'd still love your child, no matter what. Being pregnant is one of the most wonderful feelings ever . . . "  
  
She turned around, cup of steaming tea in her hand, placing it down on the table.   
  
"I know. I've been pregnant. Twice in fact."  
  
She said it so nonchalant, as if she was talking about a patient, or a close friend, not about herself. It hit him like a ton of bricks. Abby? When? How? He would never have known.   
  
"What happened?"  
  
She sat down, stirring in a spoon of sugar into her dark cup.   
  
"I couldn't go through with it."  
  
A few simple words could change so many perspectives on a simple subject.   
  
"I didn't know."  
  
She looks up, nothing on her face, a blank stare.  
  
"Neither did I."  
  
He watched her play with her cup, the liquid still too hot to drink.   
  
"With Richard?"  
  
He watched her nod her head, it didn't seem to affect her in the slightest.   
  
"The first time. He never knew. Neither of them knew."  
  
He looked out around the room, the furniture, the paintings, the carpet, everything just the way he remembered it.   
  
"Them?"  
  
She nodded her head again, looking him straight in the eyes.  
  
"You." 


	17. Dead Hopes

Author's Notes: Double update today because I left a cliffhanger and I didn't feel like leaving a cliffhanger and torturing people even more than they should be. I hope you like this chapter... It's a bit, shocking.. I guess.. The three people that have read it so far have loved it so I hope you will too.. So please read and review!!! Thanks to Kat, because you are just the absolute best!!! And to everyone who I talk to and supports me, because I have alot of them!! Thanks so much... So just please review!!?  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
He could feel the weight of a life on his shoulders. He should have stayed, he should have had some type of influence, or at least given a chance to decide. Everything he ever wanted had been ripped away. He had gone off to Africa to be with Kem, to form a family and be happy. This family was formed without his consent, and destroyed likewise. He could have had everything he ever wanted if he had only been stupid enough to stay. He had been stupid for not staying. She might have even known then. And he ignored her cries for him to stay, to talk. She had probably known even back then. He looked down at her. He didn't know what he was supposed to feel.   
  
"Why?"  
  
His voice was sulky, a quiet whisper, only heard by her.   
  
"Do you really think that I would be able to raise a child on my own?"  
  
Her voice was an unmoving monotone, she held no regard for the two lives she had taken away.   
  
"When?"  
  
Did any of these questions matter anymore? Everything was over. There was no way to turn back time.   
  
"When you left the second time . . . "  
  
His suspicions had been justified. She had known, begged him to stay for the sake of this baby and he disregarded her like a piece of worthless baggage dragging him down to the ocean floor.   
  
"You should have written, called, sent a message . . . Something . . . "  
  
He knew the stacks were against him back in the Congo, a simple phone call took days to plan, a letter waited weeks to be delivered. He needed some reassurance that this wasn't all his fault. He was failing miserably.   
  
"Just like the letter I got from you, right?"  
  
He regretted it, he should have done it sooner, but he felt like he couldn't go on living this lie with her. He wanted to be let free again, like this relationship had handcuffed him to the bow of a ship and he was soon going to drown. A letter was the only way he could have done, no phones, no computers, nothing. A simple letter on the last scraps of paper he could find was the only way he could let her go.   
  
"You should have respected me enough to tell me."  
  
She rolled her eyes, as if she was talking about killing his dog or something.   
  
"You had a new life and made it perfectly clear to me that I wasn't going to be a part of it."  
  
He saw the instant hurt on her face, trying to act tough, as if this does not bother her. He knew it caused her many sleepless nights and many tears. She just wants to erase it from her memory. It's not that simple. It's a human life.   
  
"I would have come back."  
  
He heard her chair screech against the floor, and she was standing at the farthest end of the room in a matter of seconds.  
  
"And what then? Forced yourself to stay with me? Forced yourself to love me?"  
  
As much as he wished it was so, it wasn't. He would never have to force himself to love her. He kept on forcing himself to forget her, to leave her, to stop loving her. None of the attempts were successful.   
  
"I would never have to force myself to do that."  
  
She started toward him, the control of the situation lost from between her fingers. He could tell she was getting defensive, angry.   
  
"You're lying. Get out. It was my decision."  
  
It wasn't just her decision. It should have been his too, a mutual one.   
  
"It should have been my fucking decision too!"  
  
She's inches away from him. He can feel her rage radiating onto him.   
  
"Well be thankful that your daughter doesn't have to go through this hell."  
  
He felt his heart skip a beat. He had a daughter for a brief few weeks. He had someone he could have loved. But he lost her. He lost the two women he loved most in the world.   
  
"A daughter?"  
  
His voice comes out a squeak, a different tone that the rest of the screaming.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
She had her arms wrapped around her, her voice also settled for that brief second. Regret was at the top of their minds.   
  
"It's not fair, Abby."  
  
She shrugged her shoulders, giving him a look that sent chills down his spine.   
  
"No. You know what isn't fair? Leaving me . . . Breaking promises . . . Dumping me in a letter . . . Bringing home your fiancee to rub in my face . . . What would you have done? Ditched her for me? I doubt it. I would have gotten some I'm sorry look and a check in the mail every month . . . I went through it. I'm not putting my child through it."  
  
He saw the past hurt resurfacing, her horrible childhood. He wanted to take her in his arms and make everything go away, and at the same time he wanted to make her suffer like he was for the rest of his life.   
  
"Why do you assume the worst?"  
  
She rolls her eyes again. Her simple ritual speaks more than any words can.   
  
"Because nothing good ever happens to me! You should know this by now . . . "  
  
His hands instinctively went up, he's done. He can't handle this situation. It's a repeat of the beginning of the end, except in a harsher reality.  
  
"You haven't changed one bit."  
  
She runs her hand through her hair, taking a breath.   
  
"I've accepted reality."  
  
He's shocked. He's absolutely shocked at this change in her. What happened to the cheerful and enthusiastic doctor he had known since his return? This was the demented version of Abby had left months before. The worst possible one.   
  
"I wouldn't have left my child. Hell, you could have thrown her on my doorstep and I wouldn't have once doubted you."  
  
Her expression starts to soften, her pout becoming prevalent.   
  
"You say that now."  
  
They have both somehow found themselves in the living room, she's sitting on the couch, he's pacing the floor.   
  
"It's the truth!"   
  
Why can't he ever get through to her, it's worse than getting through a brick wall.  
  
"I don't care. It's over with and done. You can't go back."  
  
It can never just be forgotten. It will haunt the both of them for ages to come. The life he could have had, the mistakes he made that jeopardized everything. He could have been happy, now it's a vague memory. No where seems right anymore. Africa seemed so hopeless, and Chicago is too confusing.   
  
"What? It doesn't bother you that you killed your own child?"  
  
She cringes, her body starting to be rolled up into a ball. He walks up to her, she's beginning to give up, to be silent and wait for him to leave. His arm goes out reflexively as if pulling her back into reality, getting a firm grip and pulling her tempestuously to her feet in front of him. A whimper of discomfort came from her throat, yet she said nothing. He wanted her to hurt. He wanted to make her feel everything he was, both mentally and physically. Her limp body was no match for his grasp, he could have twisted her and pushed her every way and he would be met with no resistance.   
  
"Don't you give a damn?!?!"  
  
He saw her eyes finally becoming human, rimming with tears. Her gaze was straight out at nothing in particular. Her face was pale, distant. Her breathing quickened, he could sense the fall coming. The thoughts would register deep into her mind, her conscience. Everything would come crashing down and leaving him to pick up the pieces.   
  
"You're a murderer."  
  
He saw the first mounds of salty tears begin to collapse. Her body started to shake, his grip on her still strong, holding her up, digging into her pale skin. Her body began to curl, her head searching for something to hold on to, someone to comfort her. He wasn't taking that responsibility. He let go of her, her body giving a lifeless thump on the carpet floor. Her blonde hair streamed across her face, sobs shook her, leaving her gasping for air. Her coughing did little to rustle him from watching the scene unfold. He felt no pity for her. She was worth no sympathy. He glanced one last time at her, the woman he used to love. He saw nothing but hate for her. He walked out the door, slamming it behind him. She was the biggest mistake of his life. Yet he still had to restrain himself from going back inside and taking her into his arms. He would have made the world disappear had he wanted to. But he didn't. She deserves to languish in her misery and pain, but at least she knows the reasons why. 


	18. Loss of Control

Author's Notes::: This week has been crazy for me. I have a full schedule and just so much to do. i'm going to work on a few chapters but I'll post every couple days. I want to keep this thing going because I'm more interested now... LOL.. Anywas as promised, Susan this chapter is dedicated to you and your awesome on the stop capabilites.. You are absolutely amazing and you know that! Love you and thank you!!! And Kat cause I dont' know where I would be without you.. And no I did not cite it. I should have I know. Lock me up forever and throw away the key ;o) Please review!!!! Thanks!!!  
  
~*~  
  
He followed the winding paths of the city streets into oblivion. Each mile he walked, the sun seemed to set deeper and deeper into the dark waters of the lake. It could have been so different. This was one of those things that only fate controlled. He thought he was doing the right thing by leaving, by giving them both space. Time is the one thing that they shouldn't have been given. It made them fall apart. She was strong-willed and determined; nothing stood in her way. She refused to ask for help, even when she needed it. It was one of the things that initially drew him to her. The fact that she was dependant on no one but herself. He was soon drawn to the truth, and she was a spiritless pile of flesh. Yet he was still drawn to her. He would always and forever be drawn to her. No matter what she did.  
  
He had wanted a family. Time was ticking and he wanted to be able to relate to his children, to show them the best things it had to offer. He thought he had a future with Kem, which disintegrated into a million pieces and was swept away by the wind. He could have had everything if he had only stayed. He could have had his family. He could have still had Abby. Now he possessed nothing but a heavy, lugubrious soul that mourned the innocent. Life is filled with so many possibilities, possibilities to make mistakes. The thunder roared in the distance, an impending storm soon to show its ugly rathe. The first sprinkle started, soaking him with time, sending a chill through his body. He walked the distance back to the L, his clothes sticking to his body, the rain starting to pour harder and faster.   
  
The ride home was quiet and uneventful. A family was in the car with him, a woman and man, with two little girls and a baby boy in her arms. He wondered about the little one he could have had in his arms right now. Would she have brown hair? Or would she be blonde? Would she have green eyes or brown eyes? Would she look like him or more like Abby? The tears welled in his eyes, but they disappeared. Crying wouldn't help anyone or anything. He got off the train, being met by the freezing rain. He could catch pneumonia and die, a simpler solution to this catastrophe. He slowly walked toward the mansion, a hidden appreciation that he was going to be alone tonight. He walked through the metal gates and up the pathway, the thunder and lightning not having any effect on him. He ascended up the stairs, his head hanging low, paying attention to the wet cement. He pulled out his keys, but suddenly dropped them. His body froze, then began to sake from the combined cold and anger. Her small figure walked out of the shadows and started to come closer toward him.   
  
"What do you want?"  
  
He didn't want to see her, nor did he want to be anywhere near her. She had ripped away the one thing he wanted more than life itself. She moved closer to him, starting to wrap her arms around his body. He remained stiff and unwilling. It took willpower, more willpower than he thought he possessed. He wanted to take her shivering body into his arms and hold her, whisper that everything would be okay into her ear. But he wasn't so sure it would be. It probably wouldn't be. He pried her arms off of him, pushing her back. She held back sobs of remorse or pain.   
  
"John . . . "  
  
He looked at her if she was a speck of worthless trash on this earth. His eyes burned right through her, degrading her, destroying her.   
  
"Get away from me."  
  
He watched her move toward him, he moved back reflexively.   
  
"I'm sorry . . . "   
  
Her hands reach up to wrap around his neck, he grabs them, holding them in the air.   
  
"You have no place here anymore. I never want to see you again."  
  
He pushed her back, sending her flying across the front walkway. He heard her body hit the cold and wet cement floor, but he ignored her. Pain is all she deserves to feel, nothing more. No remorse, no regret, just pure mental and physical pain. He turns toward her, looking at her pathetic form.   
  
"You are a worthless manipulative drunk. You don't deserve to live."  
  
He met her brown eyes in a locked gaze, the statement hanging in the air, as if it was a permanent scar upon her perfect skin. He saw the words soak into her mind, her expression changing every second longer it lasted. The silence could have destroyed the earth.  
  
"You're right."  
  
A simple whisper, barely heard over the rumble of thunder.   
  
She began to pick her body off of the floor, walking closer to him.   
  
"I've learned through life that I hate myself. I hate everything about me . . . Down to the last breath I take . . . But I'll always love you . . . "  
  
He turned around, ignoring her words, breaking her gaze. He wasn't going to let her take control of him again. He wasn't that vulnerable. His key turned the lock open to the mansion, and he quickly walked in, slamming the door on her, on their future together, on love. It might have been the hardest battle he had ever fought, and he might regret it for years, till his dying day, but it was the only way out. He took off his soaked shoes, leaving them near the door, walking up the carpet stairs toward the upstairs bathroom. He peeled his clothes off his body, they were sticking to him, smelling like fresh rain and dirty secrets at the same time. He turned the water on, letting the water warm and steam. He let the water pound against his sore back, the water hitting him rhythmically. He wanted to wash away the knowledge he possessed, the feelings he held. But it was only water, and it would never have that power. He stepped out, his body tired.   
  
He pulled on a pair of pants and collapsed upon the warm sheets. How he wanted to have her next to him, her head on his chest, his arm wrapped around her body, his lips tracing small kisses upon her neck and chest. He wanted to feel her on top of him, rocking a steady motion. He would never have it, and he would always long for it. When they were together, it seemed so natural. He never doubted that there would be a time where he wouldn't have her. Now he only wants her, but she's untouchable. He set her on that pedestal. Untouchable. His eyelids slowly began to close, sending him into an even deeper world. His dreams would wake him, send him screaming and sweating, making his heart beat and pulse race. There was no control. The future a dull memory, the past a illusion.   
  
~*~ Review Responses ~*~  
  
carbylobsterandavrilfan::: I'm sorry to say it, but he sorta does resent her. I mean she did take his kid away from him...   
  
CARBYforever:: You might wanna go back and re-read the last chapter... Fine is not exactly the world I would use to describe the baby's condition...  
  
IDontWriteIJustRead:: Thanks so much for reviewing and putting up with me.. Again.. LOL You were one of my favorite reviewers for my last one... :o) And don't worry too much I know where I want this story to go, it's just getting it there is going to take a bit of arguments and tears and all that great drama and angst...  
  
Carbybubbles:: Well thank you. I hope you like it.. I promise to update whenever I get a chance..   
  
Maven:: Yup. Intense is my key right now. It's gotta build up to the climax...   
  
Mela:: Carter is an idiot. He shouldn't have left. But he did.   
  
And to everyone else:: Thank you so much for reviewing!!! You have no clue how much it means to me. Write anything you want.. Good or bad.. Thanks :o) 


	19. Gone

Author's Notes: At the bottom. Please read and review. Thanks. And the quote at the end of the chapter is not mine. It got it at www.lovingyou.com.   
  
~*~  
  
He had spent the day in a haze, he didn't know what time it was, or what day it was either. Time had simply abandoned him to his own desires. The mansion was silent, only making the realization that he was alone sink in even more. The only sound that he could hear was his feet against the marble and the ticking of the old grandfather clock. Nothing else. He could have heard the beating of his own heart had he strained to listen. He laid on the couch, starring at the cracks on the ceiling. It needed to be repainted desperately. The whole house had fallen into ruin while he had been gone. He would have sold the house, except every corridor held memories for him. Memories from Gamma, from Grampa, from Bobby. Some of them were good memories, the others painful. He couldn't bare to leave them behind; they were a part of him. His pager knocked him out of his thoughts. The shrill buzz echoed through the hallways, it was almost eerie. He walked toward the phone and dialed the familiar number. Frank's deep voice came out of the receiver.   
  
"Carter. I was paged."  
  
He heard the chaos in the background. He didn't even have to wait for someone to tell him to come in. He was searching for a shirt as he waited for the attending.  
  
"Carter?"  
  
He repositioned the phone between his shoulder and his ear, glad to be met by Susan, not Kerry.   
  
"Yeah?"  
  
He wasn't in the mood to go into work, but something pulled him in. At least it would get his mind off everything.   
  
"Can you come in? Abby was supposed to be on today and tonight, but she didn't show. I can't get in touch with her."  
  
He ran his hands through his hair. He had been subconsciously thinking about her the whole time. He didn't want to admit it to himself.   
  
"Yeah. I'll be there in about 20 minutes."  
  
He didn't wait for Susan's response, he just slammed the phone shut and pulled on a pair of shoes. He had been extremely indecorous with her last night. He was angry and frustrated. He had been deprived of the one thing he wanted so much, a child. It might have been half his fault. The anger subsided into regret over the day. He grabbed his keys off the counter and headed toward his jeep. He hadn't driven in a while, and it would be faster anyway. He got in and turned it on. The battery was still okay. The trip along Lake Shore Drive was short, considering it was way past rush hour. He turned onto a different exit, knowing where he was headed. He wouldn't admit it to himself, but he knew where he was being pulled toward. He reached the familiar street, the familiar house, the familiar black iron gate. He parked his car in front, quickly jumping out. He looked up at her window, it was pitch black. A sudden feeling of uneasiness passed through him. What if something had happened to her? What if she had decided to do something stupid? What if was the only question that flipped through his mind. It would be his fault. He drove her to do it. He ran up the stairs, his suspense growing deeper and deeper with each step. He got to her door; it was locked. He grabbed his wallet, pulling out a credit card. This little trick came in handy in some situations. This was one of those situations. After a third try, the lock clicked open and he pushed the door open. He reached for the light switch. It bathed the room in a bright yellow glow. It took his eyes a second to adjust. The apartment was in disarray. Organized disarray. Boxes were strewn everywhere, quick packing. Some of the furniture was gone. The rest was soon to be shipped somewhere according to the covers on some of the side tables and couch. He walked through his old home, the cabinets empty, the closets cleaned out, the bedroom clear except for three boxes and a set of mattresses. She was gone.   
  
She was gone. She had run away. The same exact way he had run away from her and their problems. Maybe she did this for the better, they would both be able to move on. He wasn't so sure he would be able to love anyone else as much as he loved her. He still loved her, even after all she did. She was the most amazing person he had ever met. She didn't always make the right decisions, but no one was perfect. She was so perfectly imperfect. He didn't yearn for perfection, he had wanted her for who she really was, everything that was wrong with her had been something he could have dealt with. He realized this all too late. He lost her. He pulled his cell out of his pocket, dialing her cell. Maybe she had kept it. Maybe she would answer it. The number dialed, and rung twice. A feeling of relief began to wash over him. It quickly disappeared when he was met by the high-pitched squeak of the telephone line. The number was no longer in service. She didn't want to be followed. He breathed a long sigh, and walked toward the door, shutting the light off.   
  
Often we say goodbye to the person we love without wanting to. Though that doesn't mean that we've stopped loving them or we've stopped to care. Sometimes goodbye is a painful way to say I love you.  
  
~*~ *~*  
  
Okay so that's the end of this one. But there is a sequel. I didn't want to end it then the next chapter skip to a few years later or whatever. I don't know what the name of the sequel will be yet, but Kat read my beginning paragraphs, and she was intrigued, so I hope you guys like it to. Thanks to everyone who reviewed and stuck with me through this whole thing. The more I write, the better I get, and I really appreciate everyone who's read and reviewed and just supported me!! Special thanks have to go to Kat for her constant words of inspiration and encouragement and my editor Susan to whom I will owe millions of dollars to in the future. Thanks!!! 


End file.
